Friday, 1st June 2012
Not a good day today, just when I think I have got a hold of my emotions something comes along and makes it reappear. I really need to get away from things but how can you do that when you have a child to care for, maybe I'll just take her with me. Maybe it's time to admit that I need to talk to someone, it's been a hell of a 6 months, actually a hell of a 12 months and I'm just feeling like I'm losing myself to it all and I don't like it.
Off to our holiday farm this weekend, my in-laws are coming, of course I get along with them but I really wanted to do this without them, I need some time with my family on my own which seems to be impossible lately with hubby working so hard. It's also my mum's birthday and as she lives in the same town I will at least enjoy seeing her.
I think it's time to take charge and book something for just the 3 of us, no work, no extra family, just us.
Friday 1 June 2012
Tuesday 29 May 2012
Tuesday, 29th May 2012
I found this lovely quote today, think it sums me up pretty well at the moment, I hope you like it too.
“We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found.”
I found this lovely quote today, think it sums me up pretty well at the moment, I hope you like it too.
“We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found.”
Thursday 24 May 2012
Friday, 25th May 2012
Well it's 2 days after my D&C, I haven't had the energy nor the inclination to get on here and talk about it. I'm finding this one a little more taxing physically than the last, my head feels groggy, the anesthetic has really knocked me around this time and I have been a little sorer. I think my poor uterus is yelling out to leave it alone for a while, so that I am doing.
The day itself went as well as can be expected, it was a long day, having checked into day surgery at 7am, I was last on the morning list so didn't go into surgery until 11.15 am. As usual all the nursing staff were very sympathetic and understanding, some even sat down and chatted to me about everything. It's nice to be able to talk about it openly. I did have an odd moment though when being wheeled into theatre, the nurse had obviously not seen my file and asked if I had any children, when I told her I had a 2.5 year old daughter she then proceeded to ask if I was planning on having any more. My response, well yes that's what I'm trying obviously. She must have got the wrong end of the stick so to speak and thought I was in for IVF egg retrieval or transfer or something because she got all excited and started wishing me good luck and telling me that I will have a great age gap. Arrival into the theatre holding bay didn't come quick enough as she left me with the next lot of nursing staff. Phew, that was really awkward.
My anesthetist was a funny guy, cracking all sorts of terrible jokes. The hospital has just opened up their brand new operating theatres so as I was wheeled into the freezing cold room all I could see was shiny this and shiny that, everything brand spanking new and so much technology. I made a comment and he said, isn't it great, although I don't know how to use any of it and started making jokes about he hopes he can remember how to use the new oxygen tank. He definitely put my mind at ease, in an odd way. They popped on the heart rate monitor and I could hear my heart racing away, normal he said, when anxious ha ha. Then the needle goes in my arm, that weird sensation hits my head and I start remembering why I hate drinking. He made a bad joke, I laughed and that's all I remember.
Next thing I know the recovery room nurse is waking me up and I'm crying, what the! Groggy and unsure of what is going on she tells me that the anesthetist had commented on me being upset during the procedure. Not that I'm surprised but I still find it a bit weird that you can do something like that and not remember or realise. I told myself it's better than letting one rip or something, that makes me less embarrassed that way ;o) He did briefly come and visit me afterwards on his way past to see another patient, he just asked how I was and what the last thing I remembered was, I told him it was laughing at his terrible joke and he laughed and said good and off he went. I didn't get a chance to ask him about the crying eposide before he flitted off to his next patient. I will make sure I ask the obstetrician/gyno when I visit her for my follow-up in a few weeks.
So next is the healing process, mentally and physically and when my results come in I can find out the cause, hope it's nothing chromosomal again (but probably likely) and find out whether my little rainbow baby was a girl or boy. Something I like to know, I saw a little heart beating, it was something, so I want to know if I can call "it" a he or she.
Sadly I'm looking forward to the break for my body and mind, I am going to hit the treadmill again and enjoy not feeling the stress and panic of constant pregnancy monitoring. Ironically when I arrived home from hospital waiting in the mail was the paperwork for the new clinic we have an appointment with mid/late July. Wonder if that is a good or bad sign. Only time will tell.
For now fly free my little one, join your little sister, she is not far ahead of you and I will meet you again some day. Love your Mummy xx
Well it's 2 days after my D&C, I haven't had the energy nor the inclination to get on here and talk about it. I'm finding this one a little more taxing physically than the last, my head feels groggy, the anesthetic has really knocked me around this time and I have been a little sorer. I think my poor uterus is yelling out to leave it alone for a while, so that I am doing.
The day itself went as well as can be expected, it was a long day, having checked into day surgery at 7am, I was last on the morning list so didn't go into surgery until 11.15 am. As usual all the nursing staff were very sympathetic and understanding, some even sat down and chatted to me about everything. It's nice to be able to talk about it openly. I did have an odd moment though when being wheeled into theatre, the nurse had obviously not seen my file and asked if I had any children, when I told her I had a 2.5 year old daughter she then proceeded to ask if I was planning on having any more. My response, well yes that's what I'm trying obviously. She must have got the wrong end of the stick so to speak and thought I was in for IVF egg retrieval or transfer or something because she got all excited and started wishing me good luck and telling me that I will have a great age gap. Arrival into the theatre holding bay didn't come quick enough as she left me with the next lot of nursing staff. Phew, that was really awkward.
My anesthetist was a funny guy, cracking all sorts of terrible jokes. The hospital has just opened up their brand new operating theatres so as I was wheeled into the freezing cold room all I could see was shiny this and shiny that, everything brand spanking new and so much technology. I made a comment and he said, isn't it great, although I don't know how to use any of it and started making jokes about he hopes he can remember how to use the new oxygen tank. He definitely put my mind at ease, in an odd way. They popped on the heart rate monitor and I could hear my heart racing away, normal he said, when anxious ha ha. Then the needle goes in my arm, that weird sensation hits my head and I start remembering why I hate drinking. He made a bad joke, I laughed and that's all I remember.
Next thing I know the recovery room nurse is waking me up and I'm crying, what the! Groggy and unsure of what is going on she tells me that the anesthetist had commented on me being upset during the procedure. Not that I'm surprised but I still find it a bit weird that you can do something like that and not remember or realise. I told myself it's better than letting one rip or something, that makes me less embarrassed that way ;o) He did briefly come and visit me afterwards on his way past to see another patient, he just asked how I was and what the last thing I remembered was, I told him it was laughing at his terrible joke and he laughed and said good and off he went. I didn't get a chance to ask him about the crying eposide before he flitted off to his next patient. I will make sure I ask the obstetrician/gyno when I visit her for my follow-up in a few weeks.
So next is the healing process, mentally and physically and when my results come in I can find out the cause, hope it's nothing chromosomal again (but probably likely) and find out whether my little rainbow baby was a girl or boy. Something I like to know, I saw a little heart beating, it was something, so I want to know if I can call "it" a he or she.
Sadly I'm looking forward to the break for my body and mind, I am going to hit the treadmill again and enjoy not feeling the stress and panic of constant pregnancy monitoring. Ironically when I arrived home from hospital waiting in the mail was the paperwork for the new clinic we have an appointment with mid/late July. Wonder if that is a good or bad sign. Only time will tell.
For now fly free my little one, join your little sister, she is not far ahead of you and I will meet you again some day. Love your Mummy xx
Wednesday 23 May 2012
Monday 21 May 2012
Monday, 21st May 2012
Had my final scan today, my little bean's heart has stopped beating - in one way it's heartbreaking when that blob comes on the screen only for you to not see that flicker, but at the same time relieved as now I can start the moving on process, again. D&C on Wednesday, my 2nd in 4 months, not fun, but necessary. I did at least get to meet another OB who was equally as lovely as the last, I'm going to have a decision on my hands if I ever get the point where I need to!!!! Hang on what am I saying, I will get there, just not right now. For now I'm taking a little break, to recharge and work up some more courage to do it all again.
Had my final scan today, my little bean's heart has stopped beating - in one way it's heartbreaking when that blob comes on the screen only for you to not see that flicker, but at the same time relieved as now I can start the moving on process, again. D&C on Wednesday, my 2nd in 4 months, not fun, but necessary. I did at least get to meet another OB who was equally as lovely as the last, I'm going to have a decision on my hands if I ever get the point where I need to!!!! Hang on what am I saying, I will get there, just not right now. For now I'm taking a little break, to recharge and work up some more courage to do it all again.
Friday 18 May 2012
Friday, 18th May 2012
The new clinic I'm going to try my luck at next called today, they can fit me in to see the Professor of the clinic on the 17th July, I'm pretty happy as he normally has a waiting period of a few months or so. It's thanks to my cousin who is an OB and is also working there, for once I am able to utilise a "not what you know but who you know" situation to my advantage!
The new clinic I'm going to try my luck at next called today, they can fit me in to see the Professor of the clinic on the 17th July, I'm pretty happy as he normally has a waiting period of a few months or so. It's thanks to my cousin who is an OB and is also working there, for once I am able to utilise a "not what you know but who you know" situation to my advantage!
Wednesday 16 May 2012
Thursday, 17th May 2012
8 weeks today, instead of being excited that I'm three quarters of the way through the first trimester, I'm just wanting to get this whole pallarva over and done with. I've booked in for my follow up scan on Monday and I'm off to the GP this afternoon to get a referral for a new clinic. Hopefully I'll have more luck starting fresh somewhere else.
8 weeks today, instead of being excited that I'm three quarters of the way through the first trimester, I'm just wanting to get this whole pallarva over and done with. I've booked in for my follow up scan on Monday and I'm off to the GP this afternoon to get a referral for a new clinic. Hopefully I'll have more luck starting fresh somewhere else.
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